Where is the creative spark I once had? I feel that as I grow older, even day by day, I lose more and more of it. I don't write anywhere near as much as I used to; I hardly write at all. I don't draw or use any of my colored pens, pencils, pastels, or markers at all these days. I used to get out all my emotions in angsty poetry, pages upon pages of poems used to clutter my notebooks and my room. Now I hardly write poetry at all. I am keeping everything inside of me, and while I know it isn't healthy, I just can't remember how to let it out.

I have four days left, until I need to make up my mind. I set a deadline for myself and as much as I know what would be "good" for me... I think doing that my kill me. But I can't keep going on like this! It isn't sane and it isn't safe. Some one is going to be hurt soon and it might not be me.

I need to let everything out. ...I just can't remember how. I am screaming so loud in my head I can't believe no one else can hear it. But I have been trained by society so well. I know it isn't appropriate to scream in the middle of class, or to bring a knife to school and stab people, I know that it is worry-some to tell people I hear voices and I see things, I know it isn't okay to fall madly in love as a teen, or to run around late at night, not caring about school the next day. So I keep these things to myself. I don't do them in public. I play the nice, sane, honors role senior who has it all together. Perhaps that is part of why I am going so insane but there isn't anything that can be done about that now.

I am reverting back to some of my old habits. Bad habits. Bad things. Emotional times. Can someone please teach this old dog a few new tricks?